Poly-Mono Relationship

Dear MamaJen,

How does one make a long distant poly-mono relationship work? I'm polyamorous. He's monogamous. But we want to be together. But I'm with other people and he wants no one but me. He doesn't want to ask me to give up being poly because he feels it's something I have to willingly give. I don't want to make him be something that he's not.

Poly-Anna

Dear Poly-Anna,

Being in a relationship, ANY relationship, requires people to be honest with themselves about what they need in a relationship, and requires the people involved to be honest with each other about those needs. This is much harder than it looks. We are constantly bombarded with "you shoulds" and "thou shants"- everyone has an opinion on what a person should need and be. Being able to sort through those and get to the core of who you are can be difficult at best.

At the risk of sounding unsupportive, I have to tell you that this sounds hopeless. If he has told you that his needs are different than your needs, I really don't see how you can reconcile that with your lifestyle. However, I am unclear if he stated that he needs you to be monogomous with him, or if that's what you are reading into the situation because of his choice to be monogomous.

Let me ask you these questions:
-Are you okay with him only being with you?
-Is he okay with you being with multiple people?
-Do you trust those answers?

I ask the third because it sounds like maybe he has told you it is fine for you to have multiple amorous relationships, but you don't believe he is fine with it. This actually goes beyond how many people you are with. Trust is a necessary ingrediant in any relationship- trusting a person to not only be honest with you, but to be honest with themselves. If that trust isn't there, the relationship will fail, no matter how many people are or aren't involved.

Back

My life did not slow down after moving... I got a new position at my real job, which has taken more time than I expected. And many other personal issues that are, quite frankly, none of your business.

I apologise to all of you who may have been waiting with baited breath. I really do feel bad about neglecting the emails in my inbox.

Unfortunately, I will not be able to answer an email everyday. But I do hope to get to about 2-3 a week.

Hello?

Dear Mama Jen,

Where have you gone? Are you okay? Do you plan on continuing your blog? Did you get my previous question? Or were you just teasing me with a false promise of advice?

-Avid Reader

Dear Avid Reader,

Recently, I have been in the process of moving. This has required a lot of my time- more than I thought it would originally. I would ask for your patience as I take care of my moving needs. I would also like to apologise to those with questions waiting for me. I will get to these, although I fear that you may have moved on by the time I get to them.

I will be back to writing sometime after the 4th of March. Please check back then.

Dear Mama Jen,

My question is at what point and how do I let go of a former good friend? There is a person in my life who drives me absolutely crazy but I remain friends with her because "it's the right thing to do." We became friends when we lived in the same dorm in college and even then she was a little odd, but in a good humored way. We had a lot of fun in our college days and formed a really great bond.

However life has changed quite a bit in the 8 years we have known each other and she has become increasingly needy, depressed, self-focused and occasionally suicidal. She has told me I am now the only friend she has and the only one she talks to about these things, which puts a lot of unhealthy guilt and pressure on me. She is no longer capable of caring about my life and instead whines about how much hers sucks and how depressed she is, so then I worry about her -- which is exactly what she seems to want me to do. I'm exhausted before I even pick up the phone to talk with her and the last thing I want to do is be an enabler. It is no longer a two-way friendship, and frankly not even a friendship at all. I have had several very serious conversations with her in the past two years about getting into professional counseling and thankfully after a lot of hard work on my end she is finally seeing someone. Her preoccupied and prideful husband is also finally realizing the seriousness of her situation, so now I can trust that she's in a safer place and getting some help from people other than me.
I've been able to form some space between us lately which has been wonderful. She has left several voicemails and emails for me this week - saying she wants to talk about her crappy life again - and I'm conflicted over how much contact to have with her. I still really care about her but I really can't carry her any more. I know it may sound mean to leave a friendship when someone "needs you," but I cannot be her counselor, her husband or her mother, no matter how much she wants me to be.

The tricky part is we know as women that boyfriends will come and go, and we're prepared for that by movies, magazines and self-help aisles. But your girl friends are supposed to last forever -- or so I used to think. I'm at the point where I need to release her to the jungle of life. Do you agree this is the right thing to do? How can I let her go gently when she is already so fragile?

It's Not Me, It's You

Dear It's Not Me,

To be honest, I think you already have a pretty good clue as to what's going on in this situation. I just don't think you've found exactly the right words yet to make the connections so you can move on.

Your desire to help your friend is admirable, and we can all fall into some rough times where we need to lean on our friends a little bit more than they lean on us. These difficult times happen, but they should also be temporary. If you find that you are continually helping the same person, that they are draining you, making you tired, leaving you feeling like you just survived something, then your needs are not being met. And if your needs are not being met, how are you supposed to help meet her needs?

You elluded to the popular saying "Boyfriends come and go, but girlfriends are forever," but I feel that a friend is forever only as long as you are both being friends to each other. Honestly, I always found this saying a teeny bit sexist. Let me ask this: if your friend were a guy that you were dating, would you still be dating her? Would you keep going out with a someone who left you feeling drained, who you made your insides curl up in anxiousness when you saw their name pop up on caller ID? No? Then why are you still going out with this person?

Reading the past couple of paragraphs, it almost sounds like I'm completely against this person being your friend. I am not, as long as she is being as good a friend to you as you are to her. You asked about letting her go gently, but I don't think the situation is as harsh as 'letting her go.' You don't actually need to cut this person entirely out of your life unless you chose to do so. What you do need to do is establish your needs, where your the boundaries are, and then stand by those needs, at risk of offending your friend, and even at risk of losing the friendship.

Tell this friend that you are feeling very drained right now, that you need to take a step back from everything and just take care of yourself. You don't need to blame, in fact, with as unstable as your friend sounds right now, I would try to make it as non-threatening as possible. But make sure she understands that you need your space for a while. And then take it.

The ettiquet of intentions

Dear Mama Jen,

I am in a very steady relationship. However, every once in a while, I meet a man who seems to be interested in me. I am not sure if they are flirting with me or just being nice guys. I attribute my confusion to when I was in high school. I was very very shy and became flustered when boys would talk to me. They would end up getting a rude response from me to cover my shyness. I don't want to be rude to men, but I don't want to lead them on either. What do I do?

Hopelessly devoted to only one

Dear Hopelessly Devoted,

It can be really hard to tell if someone is flirting with you, hitting on you, or just plain being nice. When someone says "gosh you're pretty," what is their intention? Are they looking to get into your pants? Are they playing the flirting game just for the sake of being flirtatious? Or maybe they just want to deliver a compliment? To be honest, it doesn't matter. Whatever their intentions, you have a right to feel comfortable and safe in your surroundings. If someone says something to you that makes you uncomfortable, you have every right to tell them so.

"Rude" is a very subjective term. Something that would be considered rude by one person or in a certain situation may be tactful with someone else or in a different place. I have been know to call my best friends pretty colorful terms that I would never dream of using with an executive of an important company. And those same friends would enjoy being called names at and informal gathering, but my take offence if I used those same terms at their spouse's funeral.

Since "rude" can be situational, it may be best to start with understanding the situation. What are their intentions? You don't know? Ask them. Yes, I realise this is easier said than done. There are many ways you can ask the question, and some of those ways can be very rude. But the don't have to be. Remember that asking "what are your intentions" or "what do you mean" is much different than asking "what's your problem, jerk-face?"

Once you know what their intentions are, you can then decide how to handle the situation. If they're giving a compliment, "thank you" is always a safe response. If they are trying to get in your pants, "no thank you" is also rather harmless while still getting your needs across. If they are flirtatious by nature, you can decide for yourself if you want them to continue or not. Each individual looks at flirting differently and how it fits in with their relationship, and only you can tell if it's an amusing pastime or simply not your cup of tea. If it's your thing, then have at. But if it's not, try "I know you didn't mean to, but your flirting makes me uncomfortable. Could you tone it down a bit?"

Most importantly, remember that you are allowed to feel emotionally safe, even if what you say does end up being construed as rude. You are allowed to express your needs, and if someone else can't handle it, if they call you names or push back, well, name-calling is a little rude, don't you think?

My house burned down- now what?

Dear Mama Jen,

My house burned down....now what do I do?

-A

Dear A,

Step 1- breath in. Step 2- breath out. Step 3- repeat. I am not trying to make light of your loss, but this is a very common coping mechanism for dealing with things that are way over your head. And trying to get a handle on all that you lost is way over your head. It would be way over anyone's head. There is no shame in feeling helpless or overwhelmed- losing every material posession you own in a the span of a few hours is world altering, and it's going to take a while for you to adjust and feel like you can cope.

Make sure your immediate needs are being taken care of. Do you have a place to sleep? Do you have clothes on your back and food in your belly? Toiletries and hygene products? If you have friends and/or family offering you a place to crash or some clothes to borrow, now is not the time to decline their hospitality. If you have no one you can turn to, there are many shelters and outreach programs to help- check a phone book for places you can talk to. You may need to swallow some pride and accept help for a while.

After your immediate needs are taken care of, look into the long term needs. Finding a new place to live and replacing home necessities that were lost can be taxing. You may find yourself thinking "but I had all this! It's like I have to begin at the begining again." I have no easy way to say this except yes, you do need to start over again. Look at what resources you do have to help you rebuild (friends, family, government/charitable assistance). If you had home-owner's/renter's insurance, stay on their case about getting your claim processed so you can get to replacing those basic items you never thought about needing until they were gone.

While you're working on taking care of your physical needs, your emotions are going to be all over the place. There are 5 stages in dealing with loss and grief- Denial, Anger, Barganing, Depression, and Acceptance. You will pass through all of them at one point or another, and passing through these stages will not necessarily be a smooth transition from one to the next. You may find yourself bouncing from one stage to another, for varrying amounts of time, and sometimes seemingly going backwards. You also might not feel safe or capable. These feeling are all natural, and although it may not seem like it at the time, these feelings will pass. Acknowledge what ever emotion you are feeling, accept it as a valid feeling, and know that you will not feel that way forever.

There is no right or immediate way to heal from losing all your belongings, but healing will happen. Spend time with friends, talk to people who make you feel safe and supported. Take care of yourself as best you can, and when it all seems to be too much to handle, remember: step 1, step 2, step 3.

Erectile dysfunction - the talk.

Dear MamaJen,

I'm a DWM with no kids, living the single life and trying to date again after many many years off the scene. I'm not in the best of shape, unless you like round. I do get regular exercise, but I'm not what you'd consider a "pretty" man. You've heard of six-pack abs? Well, I've got a kegger.

Since splitting with my long-term partner, I've dated a few women on a more-than-casual basis. The problem comes in when we start talking about sexual compatibility: due to some medical complications, I have a pretty severe erectile dysfunction. My doctor is aware and we've tried some treatments to no avail, and there is a very good chance that the damage is permanent and I will never be able to achieve penetration again.

I am certainly well-versed in other methods of stimulation, and I have had no complaints about my skills in providing the oral pleasures, but it seems that a significant number of women that I've dated recently either consider oral stimulation disgusting or uncomfortable, and prefer penile penetration to orgasm. In one case, she can't even achieve orgasm with bedroom toys.

This problem has been a primary cause of ending the last three (dating) relationships that I've had.

Aside from the personal difficulties with feeling like "less than a man" and continuing to seek treatment, do you have any suggestions as to how I might be better able to broach the subject without causing conniptions?

The Incredible Mr. Limpet

Dear Incredible,

You asked me to put aside the issues of "feeling less than a man," but I simply can't do that and advise you well. Until you feel comfortable with yourself, your dysfunction, and even your appearance, you are not going to be able to talk with someone else about it effectively, no matter what the timing or manner.

You would probably agree with me that a large chunk of that "less of a man" feeling is tied in with jokes that people make, dissaproving locker talk, and general embarassment around the words "can't get it up." On a very, very basic level (one that my 6 year old understands), having a penis is what makes a boy not a girl. Having one that is dysfunctional would therefore make you a dysfunctional boy. But you are not a dysfunctional boy. Not only are you able to function in society, you have also managed to function in the bedroom, and with the proverbial "one arm tied behind your back."

When you are comfortable with yourself, your limitations and your abilities, it will be easier for you to talk about them with a potential bedroom partner. Knowing your stuff, both from a medical and personal stand point, will help you worry less about the talk, and make it easier for you to judge when to engage in the topic. There is no way for me to tell you when is the best time.. that is between you and your prospective partner. I would suggest that the talk should happen before you hit the bedroom. As for how to bring it up.. again, subjective to the people involved. I know people that will switch to third person to talk about difficult issues, or otherwise disassociate themselves from the issue. But I would mostly advise you to be open about what's going on, your feelings, your frustrations, and be receptive to your prospective's reactions. Both your feelings and hers are valid, even if they are painful.

Whether it's intellectual, emotional, or sexual, incompatability is incompatability. This may sound harsh, but compatibility isn't because of or despite your erectile dysfunction- this is because you or your partner needs something the other can't provide. There is nothing wrong with that- every day people discover that they aren't compatible with each other. But the good news is that there are women out there who DO enjoy oral stimulation, and even some that also can't handle penetration. There are many men out there that do not have erectile dysfunction and still can't pleasure a woman- do not let your inability to "rise to the occasion" keep you from thinking you can't rise to the occasion where it counts.